I want to write all of the things. In a way I don’t really know how to yet. I have been chasing this publishing dream for years it feels. I have known I have wanted it for so so very long, it’s hard to put a time stamp on it. Was it when I was 16 walking too and from school and daydreaming stories in my head, but not quite committing to this dream, only looking at it sideways, scared it will skitter away.
Was it when I first moved out and was so very board in retail the only thing I could think of was an assassin in a seamstress shop, and how I could turn all of my customers are stupid stories into assassinations via novelization?
Was it when I got my first lap top from my husband and I started picking at writing and reading writing how to’s online, and compiling advice about writing short stories, then breaking into novel, and making up a completely useless publishing list about who accepted un agented manuscripts?
Or was it when I decided to find my own writing group locally, and found nanowrimo instead, and that was freaking awesome because I have to many writer friends locally and love nanowrimo…. But besides writing 50K in a month and continue to pick at stories like a bird, I still haven’t finished anything.
I am super awesome at coming up with stories… of starting them. And then wondering away because I get lost. I don’t know where the plot is going, or how to reach an ending that feels satisfying.
There are scenes in the current work in progress that I have written like 10 different ways. I forget about the one way I wrote it. Then write it again. Then have a better idea and write it again. And then decide something else and write it some more. Never mind the rotating POVs. Sometimes I write something and I think it is awesome. And sometimes I write something and I think it is shit. Sometimes when I reread the shit I think not so bad, and sometimes when I re-read the awesome I think what was I thinking, that’s awful!
What I do know is that I follow a lot of freaking amazing authors, and I just keep thinking that could be me. That could be my path. Please let me have a path that leads to publication in this life. I love watching them grow too. Following an author from first publication through there career. Seeing them grow, try new things, becoming stronger and better at there craft. I want so badly to be that person. So freaking badly.
And this current WIP I told myself was just for me. It was not meant to get published. It’s such a small story. It doesn’t have kahunas. I love it to pieces. And I have poured a lot of me into it, but I get that it is small. I see that. I’m not quitting it either. I think it will mean so very much to me to have it finished. I also just think that I want it to be a certain level of perfect it might never attain. Not right now. And then I wonder, should it? Really. I could pick over and over the same thing, or I can finish it, polish what I can, and then pick up something new to challenge myself further. And hopefully maybe at some point I will feel that what I am writing is good enough.
I guess the question is.. when is my writing good enough? And when do I admit to this dream I have had since I was 16? And how do I not be disappointed in myself for not having committed to the dream better between now and then?
P.S. I’m only going to post when I’m inspired. So please don’t expect regularity. Also formatting is a bitch and a little bit of a deterrent on the less than inspired posts I have contemplated.
P.P.S. I haven’t missed a day writing since I started his new 500 words per day thing. It has been close some days, bt I have always made it. And they aren’t brilliantly inspired words every day, but they still belong to me, and that is what matters right now.