At work today there was another lovely (and if by lovely you know that I mean I really need a punching bag at home to filter off some of this aggression) conversation about what my ideal position at work would be. Here’s the thing, I don’t have one any longer. I thought I knew. I had goals and I went running for them full tilt, and I slammed into a glass wall. I am upset and frustrated and confused.
I know who I am as a person. Professionally I am hard working, detail oriented, I work above and beyond, and I get through large volumes of crap on a regular basis. I am good. I am better than good, I am fucking amazing. I work well both in team setting and individually, and I am a happy person who brings a great vibe to the workplace. I take responsibility for my actions. If I blunder, I learn from it. I view it all as a learning experience. And I LOVE to be challenged.
But this recent round of BS has left me floundering. And since I don’t know any longer, the conversation shifted to what would your ideal position look like anywhere.
I know this once. I know the answer to this one, front words and backwards, in my sleep, every which way till Sunday. This was a dream I didn’t used to reveal, because people are asswholes and piss on dreams because they don’t know how to dream themselves. That or they like to see people down. I’m not sure.
But in the past few years, I’ve gotten braver. I’ve said piss on that, I HAVE A DREAM!!! And I’m reaching for it, and I am striving for it. And some days I get lost, and some days I get found. But I have a dream, and I am chasing that puppy, not in the some day maybe approach, but the in lets break that down, into reasonable chunks and haul ass at it.
I WANT TO BE AN AUTHOR!!! (picture me screaming this from the top of a publishing building in New York for dramatic effect)
There is a distinct difference to me between writer and author. Because right now I am a writer. All a writer need do is WRITE.
But an author, is a writer that gets paid for it. An Author is published.
And I not only do I want to be an author. One day, I am hoping to make that my number one gig.
I get that it’s not an overnight process. I get that it’s going to be many years in the making. I get that it’s going to be many books in the making. Me working day job, and squeezing writing in around everything else. I know that. I am aware of that. I have done market research.
Seriously, I know how big and harry and audacious a dream this is.
What I don’t need Sir, is your sarcastic off the cuff comment, on how you too would like to be an actor in Hollywood, and then your laugh, like you are the cleverest person ever.
Nope. Sir. I am down already. Stop kicking your dirt upon me. You do not need to piss all over my dream, because you Sir do not have the capacity to dream big harry audacious dreams
To you I say:
Dream your small dreams my man.
I will keep mine BIG!