So every time I feel the need to blog it’s pretty much because feel like something in my life has imploded and I need to deal with it externally from me. And then I think I don’t need the internet to know all of my drama. And then i think, sometimes drama is amusing. And then I think about people getting gutted by unicorns, because that horn looks like it’s meant for stabbing and slaying and death.
So here we go.
Work is well work. It is work like.
I had a moment a long time ago where I realized I could completely pour myself into work, but then I took a step back and asked what was in it for me if I did that. Nothing. Really truly nothing. I want more from life then pouring my entire being into something that doesn’t belong to me.
What I want is to pour myself into something that does belong to me. That is my own. I want to one day be beholden to no boss. Which is silly because if I look at the publishing industry and the route I want to go down that means agents, and editors, and people I am beholden to. But I would prefer to think of that as more of a creative partnership then boss like rolls. We are all working towards one goal, and that is to to make my work the best it can be, and get it out there. I hope, one day, I hope that is where I am at.
But the day job, nope. We are all trucking toward someone else’s goals, and I don’t matter in the large picture of it. Only the institution as a whole. That’s fine. There is nothing wrong with that. But at the same time, that way, I know deep down in my soul, does not lead to personally happiness.
This past week I have taken a shit kicking. It has been a shit kicking in the making for awhile now. It is a cumulation of multiple shit kickings and February, and winter, and I’m just like, dude, I am emotionally drained of this.
And my sister was like you need to do something just for you. And she is 100% right. Now her suggestions where not suggestions that work well for me. Because her and I while sometimes the same person, are not the same person.
What I want to do though is recommit to my writing and my novel. Every time work goes to hell in a hand bag I think, this is not your long term plan. This is short term. But then I get so tied up in the short term I forget to work on the long term plan.
So small pieces. An hour each day. I am going to try and work on my novel. The only way through is through. And I want to get through this work. I have all the pieces. I just need to assemble them.
And I want to assemble them.
I don’t truly feel that this is THE BOOK. But it is the book I need to finish to know I can do it.
So here is to me, and my journey of putting my writing first. I need this. This is for me.