I am at a place in my life right now where things are not looking so great. The ground is a little wobbly underneath me, and it’s not because I have chosen change, but rather that change has been thrust upon us unwillingly. I am trying to remember that challenges make us stronger better people, but mostly I am scared right now. I am freaking terrified. Because if we don’t figure out a way to settle the ground, I feel like we might loose everything we have thusly worked so hard for. It does not look good to say the least.
And I look at people who I want to be like. Maggie Stefvater, Laini Taylor, The Yarn Harlot, and I think they are not so far out of my realm that I can’t be like them some day. They are authors! They have amazing lives with great books, and get to travel routinely. They have families and homes, and are self-employed and make it work. But I just keep wondering how do I get from here to there, and not loose myself in the process. Not completely melt into a puddle on the floor.
I am at puddle capacity right now. So much is unsure. So much is wait for this meeting, see how this rolls out. Hope for the best. Keep trying, keep pushing. But so much of it I have no control over. There are things we can do in the short term to get through, but they are not long term solutions. What I really need right now is a long term solution.
Heck I even look at friends/coworkers and go how do you do it? How did you get through this? How did you buy a house while having kids, and looking for work? How can you be going through a separation and still afford to go on vacation? How can you be on second career, have a child, and still afford to go on vacation? How can you be a full time student, with a child, and have a mortgage? How do you make it work, because some of you look like you have worse odds than me currently, and yet here you are looking like you have your shit together, and I feel like I am coming apart. I’m not criticizing, I am applauding. I am impressed. And I am self imploding.
I keep repeating the mantra we will get through this. We will make this work. And yet, I also keep bracing for the worse. I keep thinking, this house of cards is going to come crashing down around you.
The thing is in life sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.
I know life is the journey. It is the ups and the downs, and the pulling through this together. But right now I really need to be on the other side of this. The only way through is through, but I need to know can I get There from Here?