I don’t talk about this a lot because well I try not to be this person. This person is an ugly version of myself, who is scared and fragile and paralyzed by fear.
See I grew up with a background of abuse. This will shape you as a person. See what I did there. I said you. I distanced myself from the fact that yes I was shaped by that. I put it on someone else who is not me. But it is me; I was shaped by this.
It makes me questions who I am. It makes me second guess a lot. It makes me fearful of people in authority figures. On good days I can navigate through the world and I’m not thinking of this background. I’m me, just being me, and I like me most of the time.
On bad days, days where I am anxious or nervous, or feeling sad or hurt, I think about this more. How my past has shaped me, and how I must second guess myself. Because my initial examples in this world where not always positive. And I have to personally fight against bad examples. I have to remember to not hurt someone simply because I’m hurting. That there is a difference between expressing how I am feeling in a productive manner, and lashing out on those around me. But sometimes, I get so hurt, that I can’t see through that fog, and I don’t possess logic any longer and I lash out. I hate when I do that. I try not to be that person, but I know I can be that person.
I also have anxiety. Other words we use for it are nervousness and excitement. But to me the feelings all funnel into anxiety, and I feel like I have a little monster sitting on my breast bone. If you see me pressing my breast bone, it’s because the little monster is there that day. Sometimes that monster, will grow tentacles into my belly. Sometimes it locks its gears up and it hurts to bad I can barely breath, like my entire chest is locked. Sometimes it crawls up my throat and I feel like I am going to be sick.
I try to remember to be easy on myself, but there is a difference between being easy and not pushing too hard lest I melt down under the stress, and being lazy and being paralyzed into inaction. I’ve done both. I’ve gone too hard, done too much, and found myself a sobbing mess. I’ve backed off and given myself space, and then stopped all together, and then am disappointed because I’m getting nowhere, but I’m at fault because I’m not putting in the time. I need to get back to putting in the time. I need to find a way to separate in my brain that right now things suck, because of reasons I can’t control, and that right now we want an instant solution to a less sucky situation, but right now we don’t have it, and so instead of wallowing in the current suck, let’s work on those long term goals. Those long term goals will not get us out of the clear of right now, but it will give us something to focus on to survive right now with hope for tomorrow.
See what I did there, I went from an I to an us as well. Like there is more than one version of me. And there is. I am not schizophrenic, or at least I don’t think so, but I do believe there are different versions of yourself. I am different when it’s just me, compared to me with my friends. I am different when I am happy to when I am sad. And I like to sometimes think of them as being separate versions of me. They are all me, and they all deserve their time and space. The internet makes you feel sometimes like you are not allowed to be sad or upset, or rail at the injustices of the world. It puts on this super happy music and says always look on the bright side of life, dodododododododo. You know that song. And like yes, that is me. Ever the optimist, because seriously that is how I survived my background. The belief that it gets better. However, it’s okay to feel sad, and sometimes you just need your space for that. We don’t get to put sadness in a bubble and ignore it. It needs to be acknowledged and felt, and accepted as part of the process.
So this is my confession. I am a hot mess right now. I am full of stress and anxiety, and it’s all situational, and it’s nothing I can control. But I am also tired of saying to myself, I will focus on my heart projects once everything else is sorted. Life will not be sorted out. And this heart project is a long term project. It won’t bring short term relief. But I won’t get that long term goal if I never make time for the heart project. I am going to channel this feeling of unease into productivity, and rest control out of my life where I can.
Also, know that you are not alone. That we all have our own monsters. That is okay.