Canadian Girl Persona

It is both possible to be genuinely happy for someone, but also equally reminded of your own misfortune. This is a thing I have been struggling with this year, as I interviewed for positions and competed against people I genuinely liked and respected, and watched them be successful, and me not.  What I’ve realized, is that I am going to feel emotional and sad over my own situation, and it is okay to give myself the time and space to feel that way.  But I also need to not take that out on those around me.  So I do the polite thing that I have been taught to do and I say congratulations, even when I’m not feeling it.  Because I know later, I will feel happy for them.  I do know that deep down I do want them to succeed.  But sometimes it’s hard to see that for the grief we are feeling for ourselves.  So I pull out my Canadian girl persona, and I do the right thing now, even when it’s hard.

One of my favorite bloggers ever, the person who I learned what blogging was, the first ever blogger I ever followed, posted about her daughter being pregnant. The Yarn Harlot (Stephanie Pearl-McPhee), has always been open about her family life, with her family’s permission.  We know her daughters, or aspects of them through the blog.  And I can say I am genuinely happy for this moment for them.

And at the same time I read it and was eating my lunch, I was awash with emotion, my throat was clogged my eyes feeling soar because they were trying to produce tears I didn’t want to produce, I was no longer interested in my lunch. Because there I also sat, on the first day of my period, knowing that I myself am not pregnant after trying for 3+ years.

To be fair, we have sought professionals in this field and we know what’s going on, and what needs to be done. We know the good old fashion way is probably not going to work for us, and the odds are stacked against us.  We need to pay for a little bit of help.  Except that we can’t afford to right now.

Isn’t that the way of the world. Either you have the time, or you have the money, but you don’t have both.  And while we had the time to go for treatments earlier this year, we didn’t have the money for it, and I didn’t want to incur more credit card debt at the time, because there was no end in sight for how long we were going to be in the down swing.  I was stressed and it didn’t seem like a good time to be stressed and paying money to get pregnant.  Like hello money we can’t spare on a thing we want to have all the best chances on, and being stressed does not help those chances.

Now, things look to be like they might turn around, but we are going to spend some time playing catch up on the things we neglected during the down swing. We were in survival mode before, and now we will have a little more play room, but hubby is a contract miner.  That means sometimes things are good, but when there are no contracts things are tight.  We are a yoyo of good times and survival.  What I’m hoping is to get caught up, put money aside, and then pay for the thing, within a year from now.

So here is to hoping, that a year from now, things are a little brighter. That I have the money squirreled away.  That we have the time.  That things work out the way I’m hoping they do.  The way I want them to.

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