I have been up for a job that I’m not sure I’m going to get. It’s been three weeks since the initial interview.
Cowboy had a job interview, and it looked like everything was going great, and then they decided to not proceed any further.
I’m in the middle of some family drama, that hasn’t yet been resolved, but that has been eating away at my conscious.
Last week I remember this moment of Zen, thinking okay, we are in the great abyss of the unknown, I was still waiting to hear about my job application, Cowboy was still waiting to hear about his job application, and the family drama hadn’t hit. But I was thinking, things are potentially looking up, life will be good. Cowboy will get the thing, I will get the thing, we will be on an upward swing. I was in that stage of utter hopefulness.
Then the family drama hit like a bulldozer coming into my blind spot. I had to take some time to journal my way through it, and because I am who I am, things tend to play on repeat through my mind. All those times and spaces in-between, walking my dogs, walking to and from work to my vehicle, driving, all of those times, my brain is like let’s roll play this out. Rewind, repeat, change angles, try again. Over and over and over. It’s a vicious loop. Sometimes this is helpful as a processing tool. But I can get stuck, like bogged down in mud, and my brain feels like it’s thinking through a soupy fog. That’s not good.
Then I found out Cowboy didn’t get the job. Like it was looking very promising. We were waiting on a start date, that’s how promising it looked. And then an email to say we won’t be perusing you further. Glowing references, a piss test he passed. And then the letdown. It was heartbreaking for both of us.
And I’m still waiting to hear about the job for me. I’m still in limbo on that one.
Sometimes when I’m in a slump I also feel like I’m never going to get to where I want to be, a published writer. That other people are so much more successful than I am. Look at all those book cover releases. Look at that author who I started following from the beginning of their career now be in their umpteenth book. Look that those movie deals for book rights. Look, look, look. And I feel like I’m pilling more on myself than I need to take on.
I freeze. My writing comes to a halt. I want to curl in a whole, and ignore the world. Pile on the blankets, eat pizza, and let time tick by. Do nothing, because I am paralyzed by not being good enough.
But somehow I always manage to get to the other side of it. I’ll journal my way through it. I’ll go for a run. I’ll play out all the situations, and realize that even if I don’t get what I want, I can still be okay on the other side of this. I’ll come up with a game plan.
Sometimes that game plan looks like a fierce fighting fire in my gut. That is part of the process too. That is the Julia who is putting on her boxing gloves, and is going to get through this come hell or high water, because I will do what needs to be done, regardless. I will persevere. Fighting Julia is fierce. That girl’s hair is flame red, and her lips taste like blood. But she too is transient.
That’s the thing, all versions of me, all stages, are transient. We flux. We go from Zen, to turned on our heads, to fighting fierce, to Zen, and sometimes it’s not in that mix at all. Sometimes we add weeping in there too.
Today though we are back to Zen. Today I found myself smiling at the prospect of a meaty spreadsheet at work, and a good audiobook. Sure, my life doesn’t look exactly how I want it to, but that doesn’t mean I give up and stop trying. It means I figure out how to process, and keep moving forward. And therein lies the secret to happiness, continually movement, and goal setting. Keep going. Take the time, then pick yourself up, find the things that make you happy, and keep going. Life is not linear, but accepting that it is transient, certainly helps in the getting through all of it. Also smile, and enjoy those moments when you have that Zen, that inner peace. Stop pause, and say, wow.
Today is a stop pause and smile day, even amidst the chaos, and the uncertainty, I feel like I’ve got this.