A letter to my younger self

635824296266974225-1322718153_38637623_c8baa1d51d_o_imgopt1000x70Dear Younger Me,

Today I looked in the mirror and I had crow’s feet from smiling too much. We are in our early 30’s and you know I don’t think we are doing too bad.  Sure there are things we are still striving for, but overall, you’re going to be okay kid.

Once upon a time you said something along the lines of “If the guy I’m with has longer hair than me, then we have a problem.” But the thing is you like long haired dudes, then and now.  So clearly it could only mean a criticism on yourself, needing to have the longest hair to win.  I don’t know what you would be winning, because really life isn’t win or lose, but you get to knowing that eventually despite how you grew up.  What you will also learn is that you really love having shorter bob style hair.  This works for you on so many levels, so screw beauty standards, and go ahead and get the shorter haircut.  You’ll thank me for it later.

Also your hubby/boyfriend/life partner will have long hair and play a guitar. He is also an incredibly kind person.  I know younger us was totally into long hair and guitar, so you are totally winning there, but it’s the kindness that will melt your heart every time.  The way he takes you into consideration, and knows you, is what’s worth the most in the end.  And yes, he keeps his hair long because he loves you.

We have perfectionist issues, and we will struggle with this for a very long time. It comes from trying to avoid unnecessary ‘lectures’.  The lectures come regardless, and while they feel deeply personal, they are less about you, and more about the person doing the lecturing.  It’s hard though, and I know how we feel like a trapped rabbit. Conflict will always leave you feeling that way, but we do get better at operating past that.

I would recommend that we start seeing a therapist sooner. We definitely have issues, but also we need to let go of stuff too.  We need to stop letting others people voices guide us, when we know they are wrong.  Things like you don’t air your dirty laundry, those are just suppression techniques of a bygone generation.  Let them be bygone.  To be honest, we aren’t in therapy yet, we still have trust issues with authority, and opening up and letting someone in who can turn around and use all your vulnerabilities against you.  However, I think we will get there, so let’s have some faith in us, okay.

Reading/writing are deeply personal for you. They have always been your escape.  But we are at a point where we have carved out a corner of the world just for ourselves, and you can’t start sharing this amazing dream with others.  We have to start writing, and it’s going to be so freaking personal, but you can do it.  You’ll find your people, and they are amazing.  They are warm and enthusiastic and incredible.  They’ll show you love and respect in a million tiny ways, and they will help build you up and show you a different way of being that you only dreamed existed.

Oh Younger Me, you have a sad soul filled with fire. You know the world is unjust, and you want to run away so badly.   You hang in there and survive it, and you find your people in the end.  You are going to be okay, because you have smile lines girl.  You go about being you, the only way you know how in that situation.  I promise I do not hold any of our past decisions against us.  However, we still have a lot of life ahead of us, and I just wanted to check in and let you know, that despite all of our challenges, and trust me there will be challenges, you make it through.  You are going to be Okay.

Okay, feels like such a small word when you want to light the world on fire. But in this version, okay is a good thing, and no way a cop out for mediocrity.  It means some days you are bursting with happiness, and some days there is sadness, but you come to terms with the range of emotions you go through, for it makes you human.  Okay means you have amazing people in your life.  Okay means you are comfortable and safe.  Okay means you are well loved.  Okay means you have dogs that make you smile, and bring so much joy.  Okay means you have an amazing partner, who you wouldn’t trade for the world.  Okay feels like warm blankets by a cozy fire, with a good book and dog tucked into your side. Okay feels like lazy Sunday mornings with Cowboy, and the sun tipping in through the bedroom window in the house you bought together.  Okay means, you’ve got this.

Love Always,

Future You.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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